lovely living

I really don’t know what I want in life. And lately the only things that have been stable is my relationship and my work ethic. Decisions decisions. And I can’t make any. Because I don’t know how. All the options that are handed to me kinda ends up to be a bittersweet result. Either way…I don’t know what to do. Lately, I’ve been contemplating on my future career and I’m not very much into being a teacher anymore. I think I tricked myself into being one. I love being around kids and they are inspiring and knowledgable for small things still trying to figure out the world. but I don’t want to be a teacher. I realized that one day that I just liked the idea of taking care of children. The idea of taking care of my own and maybe using other children as practice. But it’s not the same. And I shouldn’t be thinking about a child anyways…cuz I don’t want one right now. I want to keep going with my wedding dresses and see how that turns out. But I don’t know how much good that will do to me. And the money for the business….oye. Then deciding to live with or without my dad. Kate is leaving with my mom soon…and as much as I hate seeing her leave it had to be done. But fuck. It hurts more than the tattoo….and that shit hurt. Crying at night and randomly during the day ain’t the business. I’m really in the middle of everything. Plus I hate to leave my dad all alone. His whole life has been his daughters. “I have more fun spending time with my kids than spending time with anyone else, even myself”. What will happen if we’re both gone? Even though its bound to happen, it seems too early. He says that he doesn’t mind what i choose and he’ll be okay on his own if I choose to leave. But I know that he isn’t ready. And I have no idea what to do. Risk is the bitch because it can either make you or break you with the price of sacraficing a few things along the way. Risk is a bitch not life….life is just the neutral friend that agrees with whatever you believe is best for you. But it means everything to life I guess…..so sketchy…

*warning: this is a long description that i want to get off my chest. feel free to read if you want to lmao.

i’ve been contemplating about the future lately. ie wondering how my house will look like and how i’ll decorate it, my career, my husband, my kids. i know its wrong to stay in the future but the idea has embedded in my mind…it wont escape. just the mad curiosity and outcome of how everything will turn out is keeping me in anxiety and also the up-most enthusiasm.

but my thoughts are so eccentric and intricate everything is order and fully decorative in regards to what my life will be and how my home will look. alright so its gonna start off with the wedding and honeymoon. to be truthfully honest, i do not want a big wedding most girls want to go crazy but its just who i am. its the same with parties, im not a big party girl cuz i’d rather spend my time with just people i know at a kickback although it is nice to meet great and sweet people. but yes, my wedding ceremony will be small not entirely small i want it to still be extremely enticing, illuminate, and ravishingly gorgeous for sure and my wedding dress will mirror the wedding as well. im a long dress lover so my dress will be long still deciphering whether it should be a tube or strap i know i want the dress w/ a little extra side layer that will be connected at the waist with a white gold broach. if i could draw this out for you i would but if any of you will be attending my future wedding you’ll know what im talking about. the honeymoon, i’ve always always wanted to go to europe and japan. my main dream sites…and will remain that way until it happens to me. im not gonna go super into it. cuz yeah…too much. so my house, (i low key am obsessed with interior designing) i want it to look sophisticated yet classy and creative. i want color-schemed and themed based rooms to set the mood every time. i even want my dishes to look a certain way (i have a small fetish with kitchen-ware too). oh and also those fancy teapots…yup im getting one of those for sure. also i want the master bedroom to look a certain way i want there to be an entrance room kinda like a mini living room and then another entrance for the bed and bathroom. i dont want to get into that too much or it’ll take a WHILE. there will be a room where only Flaboe may subside in and Flaboe only. thats probably going to be a whole different place though most likely a decked out pool house. i know imma stay friends with them forever. i want a giant backyard (which is also my favorites, landscape design <3) with a 8 foot deep pool that comes with a jacuzzi which will be slightly elevated so it’ll make a small waterfall to the pool. oh and the pool will come with a crazy slide and a wave imput system. just cuz waves are fun :) it’ll also include a basketball/tennis/volleyball/badmitten court and a work out room, not gonna get into that either. ooo and also a big 3 car garage, a car that’s simple like a lamborghini for my husband and the limited edition GTbycitroen for me, i mean its only 1.83 mil. shoot that’ll be pocket money…nahh im kidding lmao. just a simple nissan will always make me happy, that’s my baby. speaking of babies if i do have a child by the time i become wealthy enough to afford this dream house of mine i want that room to be a piece of disneyland in there. so attractive to the a child’s eye that even my husband will have no problem chillin in there once in a while. yes, my husband will be the pants in the relationship, but imma be everything that makes up the pants. muhahaha! but i know my husband will be a mature man but a child at heart. i mean who doesn’t want their husband to be good with kids right? im sorry but even my laundry room will be fancy not too fancy but it’ll be cool. 

im pretty sure these thought are here because the summer is over and a new semester is beginning. im ecstatic about the next few weeks of school (: i’ve got plans to extend my idea of over-achievement and seriously do some damage in each of my classes especially my major classes. i believe this is the reason why i’ve been so concentrated on the future. because i finally feel un-lost once again. i have a plan again…and it feels great.